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| Me in Thornbury, ON, Fall 2010. Photography by Melody Whitney. |
I may not have always asked them out loud, for fear of sounding silly, but for as long as I can remember I've looked at everyday objects, wondered who invented it and how they thought it up. I look at a word and am curious as to how it came to be. When told of God's love, I try to comprehend how could He really see me as blemish-free, and love me not conditioned on my performance. At times, I dare myself, for a split second, to prove whether laws of gravity and physics actually hold true in every case, but my fortunately my brain (or maybe just my self-preservation instinct) kicks in rather swiftly and I disregard the foolish notions.
My sisters have looked at me strange if I would dare to voice my questions out loud. "Wow, you have a strange mind. Where do you come up with these thoughts? It's how it is, so I don't even think about it."
So, most of the time I keep my questions locked inside my head, or silently turn to Google or dictionary.com for answers.
But... *gasp* Google isn't providing the answers to all my questions these days!
What should I be doing with my life?
Should I go to college? What should I study? How will I pay for everything?
What if I don't find "the right somebody to love" (as Shirley Temple put it) for a long time… or never?
What if I end up as a career woman all my life, and never have a family of my own?
What if I choose a career and end up hating it?
How can I make a difference, whether by career, volunteer projects and ministries, or just in the lives of family and those I meet every day?
How can I find and maintain passion and purpose in life, through EVERY season?
These are some of the questions weighing on my heart in this time of entering adulthood. Sometimes it feels more like breaking and entering, like it's a foreign place where I'm not sure I belong.
These are things that have kept me running to God.
Crying.
Searching.
Clinging.
Waiting.
These are what pull me closer to His heart, until I'm near enough to feel His heartbeat. Close enough to hear Him whisper, "I love you," as His embrace assures me that it's going to be okay. Close enough to realize that He would never leave me abandoned or cause me pain unnecessarily.
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)
He is good. I know this much. The rest? Does it really matter so much whether I know?
I know He's led me this far.
He's gonna continue.
