When Life is a Question Mark

I have an awful lot of questions.

Me in Thornbury, ON, Fall 2010. Photography by Melody Whitney.

I may not have always asked them out loud, for fear of sounding silly, but for as long as I can remember I've looked at everyday objects, wondered who invented it and how they thought it up. I look at a word and am curious as to how it came to be. When told of God's love, I try to comprehend how could He really see me as blemish-free, and love me not conditioned on my performance. At times, I dare myself, for a split second, to prove whether laws of gravity and physics actually hold true in every case, but my fortunately my brain (or maybe just my self-preservation instinct) kicks in rather swiftly and I disregard the foolish notions.

My sisters have looked at me strange if I would dare to voice my questions out loud. "Wow, you have a strange mind. Where do you come up with these thoughts? It's how it is, so I don't even think about it."

So, most of the time I keep my questions locked inside my head, or silently turn to Google or dictionary.com for answers.

But... *gasp* Google isn't providing the answers to all my questions these days!

What should I be doing with my life? 


Should I go to college? What should I study? How will I pay for everything? 

What if I don't find "the right somebody to love" (as Shirley Temple put it) for a long time… or never?

What if I end up as a career woman all my life, and never have a family of my own?

What if I choose a career and end up hating it? 


How can I make a difference, whether by career, volunteer projects and ministries, or just in the lives of family and those I meet every day?


How can I find and maintain passion and purpose in life, through EVERY season?


These are some of the questions weighing on my heart in this time of entering adulthood. Sometimes it feels more like breaking and entering, like it's a foreign place where I'm not sure I belong.

These are things that have kept me running to God.

Crying.

Searching.

Clinging.

Waiting.

These are what pull me closer to His heart, until I'm near enough to feel His heartbeat. Close enough to hear Him whisper, "I love you," as His embrace assures me that it's going to be okay. Close enough to realize that He would never leave me abandoned or cause me pain unnecessarily.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)

He is good. I know this much. The rest? Does it really matter so much whether I know?

I know He's led me this far.

He's gonna continue.

A Rose From Brier

Thou hast not that, My child, but thou hast Me;
And am not I alone enough for thee?
I know it all, know how thy heart was set
Upon this joy which is not given yet.

And well I know how though the wistful days
Thou walkest all the dear familiar ways
As unregarded as a breath of air;
But there in love and longing, always there.

I know it all; but from thy brier shall blow
A rose for others. If it were not so
I would have told thee. Come, then, say to Me:
"My Lord, my Love, I am content with Thee."

—Amy Carmichael

Strength In Quietness

"For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel;
In returning and rest shall ye be saved;
In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:
And ye would not."
(Isaiah 30:15)

I've pondered that verse before, but this time it really hit home. I've been meditating on it a lot over the past few weeks. What does it really mean to find salvation in returning and rest, and strength in quietness and confidence? Who is the object of our return and confidence?

I'll answer the last question first. Clearly, this is the Lord God beckoning us to return to Him. To find rest in Him. We do not find strength as we run ourselves past our limit serving, working, and "doing" for God... while forgetting to just BE in His presence.

But so often, we do just that. We have our own ideas of what constitutes good things to do, and, in most cases, they are truly good things. But are they the best? Are they what God has placed as priority for us, right now? When we're just busy doing our own thing, we can't expect God's blessing.

Now, I'm not discounting or discouraging ministry and serving the Lord. That's an important part of our Christian walk. But take a look at Luke 10:38-42 for a minute:

"...[Jesus] entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.
And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus' feet, and heard his word.
But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.
And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:
But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Jesus knew very well that Martha desired to serve Him by having the house just so, a special dinner, and all the trimmings. But He gently rebuked her, saying that Mary, who had chosen to sit at His feet and listen to Him speak, had made the better choice.

Our service has to flow out of a living relationship with Him. Even if we're doing good things for God, He is not pleased if we serve Him to the neglect of really knowing Him. The listening must come first.

“And Samuel said, Hath the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.”
(I Samuel 15:22)

"Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened…
I delight to do thy will, O my God..."
(Psalm 40:6,8)

He asks of us a listening, quiet heart, and a willing, obedient spirit.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint."
(Isaiah 40:31)

When we take time to be still and delight in the Lord, when we trust confidently in His perfect way and wait upon Him, that is when we will find His strength, and His blessing.

God forbid He need ever say of us "...and ye would not." He offers rest for our souls. But we will only find that rest and strength when we learn to sit still and commune with Him, and seek HIS will.

"And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the LORD: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart."
(Jeremiah 24:7)

Let us first pursue the best – to know God, to be quiet and listen – and He will add everything else.