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The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O LORD, endures forever.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Even the darkness is not dark to you,

for darkness is as light with you.

In your book were written the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

~From Psalm 138-139

You are not here by accident.

Your existence, this season of life, these circumstances--none of it is by chance. God is the author of your story. You have been placed right where you need to be. 

Maybe you have a lot of questions. The stress and pain in your life is about to overwhelm you. Your fears once again are getting the best of you. You are crushed under the sting of rejection or abandonment. You are tired of struggling on. Perhaps you want to give up. 

Run to Jesus. He loves you more than life itself. He wants to hold you close, "hem you in," and keep you safe. He can see, even when you can't. 

He is overwhelmingly good. He has promised to make everything work out for good for those who love Him. He is completely trustworthy. He is absolutely able to do as He has promised.

Hang on. He's not finished. If it's not good yet, it's not the end yet!

Faith, Questions & 2010

This past year began with a lot of questions. It's been a year with seemingly no rhyme or reason, settling in at church and work, comfortable in who I am, while at the same time being asked to step out with faith in some ways that honestly scare me.

It's been a year of ups and downs, with time flying by sometimes, and other times dragging on, feeling like life will go on the same way forever. It's offered me a lot of decisions. Held a few awesome road trips, a bunch of great friends and plenty of new experiences. 

It's been a good year.

Christmas time '10
with my best friend and sister

Learning to worship God with all that I am, just because He is worthy, is an incredible experience. Praising Him just because I know He is awesomely faithful, whether everything seems to be going my way or not. Because I have tasted and seen that He is good. Seen Him provide time and again. Witnessed the amazing ways He takes what seems hopelessly broken and fashions something beautiful beyond imagination. Watched disappointments often turn out to be wiser answers to my prayers than my dreams ever were.

Some answers I'm still waiting on. But if I've come away from 2010 with nothing else, I know this: My God is greater than fear, pain or obstacles. Greater than my plans and dreams.

He is the Master Designer, who will fulfill His purposes for my life. He loves through every season of doubt or failure. Gives peace for today and brilliant hope for tomorrow. He doesn't give up on me.

I've mulled over this quote a lot, because it captures my thoughts better than I can:

“I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time.” -Timothy Keller, The Reason For God

I don't want to waste this Love, or keep it all to myself. I want to place the kind of value on each person that Jesus does, to not give up on them. I want to make a difference, to pass His love on. I don't want to live a little life. And I don't want to love just a little, either. After all, my God loved with everything He had, everything He was. Whether it was well-received or spat back in His face. He loved anyway.

That is what I want to do. These are my ambitions for the new year.

To know my God better. To learn to really love others. To step out of my "boat" when Jesus calls, "Come." Even when I'm scared to cross the sea in front of me. I know Who called me and that He won't let me drown.

I've still got questions. Lots of them. But I know God is piecing together this puzzle into a spectacular masterpiece, and I'm really excited to see what He's going to do in 2011!

Chris Tomlin's "Our God" would have to be my summary song of 2010.

Water You turned into wine
Opened the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shine
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God, You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God

And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Nothing is greater than my God.

This is the God that goes ahead into this year.

When Life is a Question Mark

I have an awful lot of questions.

Me in Thornbury, ON, Fall 2010. Photography by Melody Whitney.

I may not have always asked them out loud, for fear of sounding silly, but for as long as I can remember I've looked at everyday objects, wondered who invented it and how they thought it up. I look at a word and am curious as to how it came to be. When told of God's love, I try to comprehend how could He really see me as blemish-free, and love me not conditioned on my performance. At times, I dare myself, for a split second, to prove whether laws of gravity and physics actually hold true in every case, but my fortunately my brain (or maybe just my self-preservation instinct) kicks in rather swiftly and I disregard the foolish notions.

My sisters have looked at me strange if I would dare to voice my questions out loud. "Wow, you have a strange mind. Where do you come up with these thoughts? It's how it is, so I don't even think about it."

So, most of the time I keep my questions locked inside my head, or silently turn to Google or dictionary.com for answers.

But... *gasp* Google isn't providing the answers to all my questions these days!

What should I be doing with my life? 


Should I go to college? What should I study? How will I pay for everything? 

What if I don't find "the right somebody to love" (as Shirley Temple put it) for a long time… or never?

What if I end up as a career woman all my life, and never have a family of my own?

What if I choose a career and end up hating it? 


How can I make a difference, whether by career, volunteer projects and ministries, or just in the lives of family and those I meet every day?


How can I find and maintain passion and purpose in life, through EVERY season?


These are some of the questions weighing on my heart in this time of entering adulthood. Sometimes it feels more like breaking and entering, like it's a foreign place where I'm not sure I belong.

These are things that have kept me running to God.

Crying.

Searching.

Clinging.

Waiting.

These are what pull me closer to His heart, until I'm near enough to feel His heartbeat. Close enough to hear Him whisper, "I love you," as His embrace assures me that it's going to be okay. Close enough to realize that He would never leave me abandoned or cause me pain unnecessarily.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)

He is good. I know this much. The rest? Does it really matter so much whether I know?

I know He's led me this far.

He's gonna continue.

Waiting

Have you not known? 

Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God… 

He does not faint or grow weary; 

His understanding is [beyond our comprehension]. 

Thornbury, ON ~ Photography by Melody Whitney

He gives power to the fainting… 
They who wait [or, watch in expectation] for the Lord 

will renew their strength; 

They will [soar above the storms] like eagles; 

They will run and not be weary; 

They will walk and not faint. 

~Isaiah 40:28-31

The Time In Between

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time… 

If it seems slow, wait for it; 

it will surely come."

—Habakkuk 2:3

Don't take much for this crazy world

To rob me of my peace

And the enemy of my soul

Says You’re holding out on me

So I stand here lifting empty hands

For you to fill me up again

But it’s the time in between

That I fall down to my knees

Waiting on what You'll bring

And the things that I can't see

I know my song’s incomplete

Still I'll sing in the time in between

—Francesca Battistelli 

"Time In Between" from My Paper Heart (c) 2008

Unfailing Love (In Every Season: Part 2 of 2)

(Missed Part I? Read it here!)

Sure enough, spring came in its own sweet time. With it began the slow, steady process of physical healing. My sister's beautiful wedding. The gift of plane tickets to visit a dear friend. Children's ministry opportunities. Hope was planted. I had no job, no idea where life was heading, but I was content. I was happy enjoying spring and daydreaming of summer, hoping it wasn't far away. But God loved me, had always provided and He knew what He was doing, so why should I worry?

When summer arrived, it seemed like hope's tiny rosebuds burst into full bloom with colour more glorious than I had ever before seen. Where did all this beauty come from and why had God chosen me to receive this enormous bouquet?

I savoured it. It was the most amazing gift I had ever been given. I clung to it with both hands, not daring to let it go. I didn't deserve it... not at all. But it was unequalled in beauty and I felt so cherished. I loved it.

Autumn appeared, and as the weather got cooler, the wind picked up, and the petals began to fall from my beautiful roses until all that remained was the seeds at the centre. I was left tightly grasping nearly bare stems, shielding the seeds from the elements, lest they too escape me.

I questioned. Yes. I was confused. Why would my Lover give me such a gift... only to tantalize me as I watch it be ripped apart and its beautiful petals scattered by the wind only a short while afterwards? I felt betrayed, like He was less than honest with me when He gave it. If I had only known it was so fragile, I would have... would have... what? Refused it? Enjoyed it less?

No. It was a beautiful gift. The brevity of its lifespan could subtract nothing from its beauty. It gave me a glimpse of just how much He loves me, and now I refocus my attention on my Lover Himself. He really was so immensely kind in giving such an exquisite gift. And, though I have little left of the gift, I know, without doubt, the depth of His love. He stayed close by, observing my fascination with His gift. He was always ready when I wanted to talk with Him, when I needed advice or a listening ear, whenever I needed His help. Even when I was too busy, enraptured by His gift, He pursued me and sought me out, and never let me wander too far.

But. I have little hope seeds left on these bare stems. They're all I have left of the roses, and I'm holding them tightly. He asks that I give them back to Him. I wince. Jesus, you know how I'm sentimental that way. Can't I keep them in memory of it?

His hand tenderly rests on my arm. You know I love you. So trust Me with those seeds.

I glance at the Hands holding me. Strong, steady, gentle Hands that have never been unkind to me. My gaze travels to His face, to His eyes so full of love and tenderness, and, as I slowly hand him the leftovers of my bouquet, he takes the remains and prepares the seeds for planting.

He smiles. It'll take time and the cold of winter. There, buried in the dark ground, they'll die. But, leave them alone, and, in the spring, they will grow. In time, you'll have many more roses than just a bouquet, and you and anyone that passes by can enjoy their beauty.

How kind He is. How wise. How very, very good to me. And to think that, in my shortsightedness, I can consider forfeiting all this just to hold on to some dead stems?

I'll leave you with this quote from Charles Spurgeon:

“Remember this: 
had any other condition been better for you 
than the one in which you are, 
Divine love would have put you there.”

Unbelievable Grace (In Every Season: Part 1 of 2)

I do a year-in-review note for myself and my friends every year, but this year called for something a little different. I knew I needed to summarize 2009 somehow. To tell the faithfulness of my amazing God, especially this year, but didn't know quite how to do it.

Well, after reading a blog post by a friend this fall, I got to thinking about seasons. I noticed how closely life can resemble nature's seasons and was compelled to start writing about my year along those lines. So, while it's different in style than usual and a little longer, here is my year-in-review story, Part I:

I'll begin where the calendar did, with winter. My least favourite season. The earth around is dead and lifeless, lacking the vibrant colour and fruitfulness of the other seasons. Sure, I enjoy snowball fights and playing in the snow with the kids, wool coats and tall boots, hot tea and Christmas, but the best part of winter is knowing spring will follow.

Last winter was hard. I spent a lot of time in doctor's offices, filling out a lot of paperwork, and dealing with the big mess of a workplace injury that left me without a job and, at least for a season, without many of the physical capabilities that I usually took for granted.

I had so many of questions for God. I knew He wasn't obligated to give me reasons, to tell me why and what He was doing. I knew better than to question whether He was in control or whether He had good plans in mind. But still. It was five months of, often intense, rhetorical questioning: WHY?! Months of fighting bitterness as continued work made things worse. Fighting for faith when I couldn't see an end to the pain.

Growing up, I've been kind of proud of being the strong one, the healthy one. The one that rarely gets down sick and never had to see a doctor. I may not have many special skills, but I could manage nearly any manual labour anyone gave me to do, and employers were certainly no exception. Suddenly that all changed. Now I not only was useless to my employer, but to my family, and, to some degree, myself. I just plain needed help and I very much resented that. God, surely I'm more useful when healthy and strong? I'm sure I could serve You a lot better if this would just go away!

(Or, maybe not. Maybe He could better use someone not so self-sufficient?)

It was a season of silence. Cold silence. But, not unlike the intensity of winter's sunbeams, the support of true friends was priceless and renewed my hope that spring would come and bring life to my world. Winter couldn't last forever.

(Continue to Part II!)