When Life is a Question Mark

I have an awful lot of questions.

Me in Thornbury, ON, Fall 2010. Photography by Melody Whitney.

I may not have always asked them out loud, for fear of sounding silly, but for as long as I can remember I've looked at everyday objects, wondered who invented it and how they thought it up. I look at a word and am curious as to how it came to be. When told of God's love, I try to comprehend how could He really see me as blemish-free, and love me not conditioned on my performance. At times, I dare myself, for a split second, to prove whether laws of gravity and physics actually hold true in every case, but my fortunately my brain (or maybe just my self-preservation instinct) kicks in rather swiftly and I disregard the foolish notions.

My sisters have looked at me strange if I would dare to voice my questions out loud. "Wow, you have a strange mind. Where do you come up with these thoughts? It's how it is, so I don't even think about it."

So, most of the time I keep my questions locked inside my head, or silently turn to Google or dictionary.com for answers.

But... *gasp* Google isn't providing the answers to all my questions these days!

What should I be doing with my life? 


Should I go to college? What should I study? How will I pay for everything? 

What if I don't find "the right somebody to love" (as Shirley Temple put it) for a long time… or never?

What if I end up as a career woman all my life, and never have a family of my own?

What if I choose a career and end up hating it? 


How can I make a difference, whether by career, volunteer projects and ministries, or just in the lives of family and those I meet every day?


How can I find and maintain passion and purpose in life, through EVERY season?


These are some of the questions weighing on my heart in this time of entering adulthood. Sometimes it feels more like breaking and entering, like it's a foreign place where I'm not sure I belong.

These are things that have kept me running to God.

Crying.

Searching.

Clinging.

Waiting.

These are what pull me closer to His heart, until I'm near enough to feel His heartbeat. Close enough to hear Him whisper, "I love you," as His embrace assures me that it's going to be okay. Close enough to realize that He would never leave me abandoned or cause me pain unnecessarily.

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11)

He is good. I know this much. The rest? Does it really matter so much whether I know?

I know He's led me this far.

He's gonna continue.

Waiting

Have you not known? 

Have you not heard? 

The Lord is the everlasting God… 

He does not faint or grow weary; 

His understanding is [beyond our comprehension]. 

Thornbury, ON ~ Photography by Melody Whitney

He gives power to the fainting… 
They who wait [or, watch in expectation] for the Lord 

will renew their strength; 

They will [soar above the storms] like eagles; 

They will run and not be weary; 

They will walk and not faint. 

~Isaiah 40:28-31

The Gift of Thorns

"It seems that His servants who are used in special ways 

often experience commensurate trials. These trials 

are simultaneously burdens God gives 

to keep them utterly dependent; 

and thorns which pin back the veil that hides His face. 

In a fallen world, they are gifts." 

—Sono Harris (emphasis mine)

The Time In Between

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time… 

If it seems slow, wait for it; 

it will surely come."

—Habakkuk 2:3

Don't take much for this crazy world

To rob me of my peace

And the enemy of my soul

Says You’re holding out on me

So I stand here lifting empty hands

For you to fill me up again

But it’s the time in between

That I fall down to my knees

Waiting on what You'll bring

And the things that I can't see

I know my song’s incomplete

Still I'll sing in the time in between

—Francesca Battistelli 

"Time In Between" from My Paper Heart (c) 2008

On one condition...

"He will use you to accomplish great things
on the condition that you believe much more in His love
than in your own weakness."
—Mother Theresa

"Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits,
who forgives... who heals...
who redeems your life...
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good...
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him.
For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust."
—Psalm 103:2-5, 13-14

Just As He Promised

Spring is arriving in my part of the world.

And with it, the promise of life. With a glorious burst of colour, the earth displays a beauty and vibrance that winter has done her shivering best to make us forget. Almost, she succeeds. Almost, we despair of spring's arrival.

Then she comes. At last. We feel her warm smile in the sunshine. Her loveliness is accented by the colourful clothing she wears.

She brings hope.

Sunshine is here. Better days are coming.

But, let us not alienate poor winter completely. She prepares for spring's arrival in a way summer never could. As strange as it seems, these colourful flowers need to experience winter's harsh, cold temperament in order to reach their potential. The richness of their beauty would not be possible without winter. She holds the seeds until spring arrives, and during her watch, they die.

But that's not the end of the story.

Seems like it is, doesn't it? Death seems pretty final. Those seeds are dead. But, in the mystery of His plan, the Father leaves those seeds for a while, dead. Until there seems to be no hope of beauty, of resurrection.

Then He brings them to life. Miraculous life. Kinda like He did with His Son on that Resurrection morning all those years ago.

Three days dead. Sealed in the tomb. Bound. Where was the hope for His disciples? Their Master, their Messiah, their Deliverer, their Friend... dead.

But wait.

There He was. He was alive!

Just as He promised.

"Why do you seek the living among the dead?
He is not here, but has risen.
Remember how He told you,
while He was still in Galilee,
that the Son of Man must be
delivered into the hands of sinful men
and be crucified
and on the third day rise."
—Luke 24:5b-7

Jesus Christ died so that we can live. The cross was my just punishment for my sin and self-worship, but He carried the full weight of it for me. As I gratefully accept His payment, like a spring flood He washes my wrongs off the record. I am clean and new. I have life!

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong and perfect plea
A great High Priest whose name is love
Who ever lives and pleads for me

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me

But as He lives, I also share in His death. As I walk in His steps, seeking to become more like Him, He will ask countless "little" deaths of me. Yet as we walk on together, it becomes clearer that in that death, there is abundant life.

Just as He promised.

Behold Him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness
The great unchangeable I AM
The King of Glory and of Grace
One with Himself I cannot die
My soul is purchased by His blood
My life is hid with Christ on high
With Christ my Savior and my God

Happy Resurrection Sunday to you all!

Unmarked quotations taken from the Hymn, "Before The Throne of God Above" by Charitie Bancroft, Public Domain